Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
