Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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