Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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