so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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