im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
