OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
