dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Found the puke drawer
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
