theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize