I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
