It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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