...so i touched it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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