its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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