Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
