Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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