I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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