I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
