I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
