woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
