He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize