In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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