Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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