so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
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Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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