from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
