tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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