Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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