Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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