I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
