I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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