i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
