If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
