dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think my moral compass just broke
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