guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
