Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
