What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
