I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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