He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
