She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
