This is not my ceiling
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
