U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
