This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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