just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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