Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
