If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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