I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
