In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Your penis caused this!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
