It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
