Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
