The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
