Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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