she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
