what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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