he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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