Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
