Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
