The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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