Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
