Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
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I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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