wrigley field is MILF paradise
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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