I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
