I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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